Lyrical Musings an emotional journey via train of thought

if

if i should

if i should forget you entirely

all the times, good and bad and in between

if i should let it all go

because the bad is too much

much too much for me to handle

and it brings me to my knees

drives the very breath

from my lungs

if i should let go

of everything

of you

and me

and

…us

because i cannot tear our story in half

rip the binding in twain

and toss the pages to the wind

if i

should try to erase you

from those pages

those chapters

and from in between

every single line

if i even could

then i would

erase a part of myself

My heart breaks for her, the girl who looked in the mirror and saw nothing but defects. She tried and tried and tried some more to hide them, to hide herself, from the world, lest they discover how broken she really was. She hid behind masks and scowls and eyeliners, and she hated the world for making her hide almost as much as she hated her defected self.

I shed a tear for the girl who had no idea whatsoever that she might be the holder of redeeming qualities. I would hold her close and whisper into her ear that it isn’t true no matter what some people might say. It’s only their own insecurities and perhaps they weren’t ready, the world wasn’t ready, for someone like her to walk its paths.

I wonder why why why and how a person like her could spend more than half her life, wasting the years away, hiding and completely oblivious to her own light. Days and nights blending together with no light at the end of the tunnel. After all, there can be no light if her eyes are and everything is dark dark dark.

If only I could have, had I known, were I able to, create the safe place where she could open her eyes, embrace the world, spread her love and finally finally finally shine.

I didn’t know that I was smart

that my wit was razor sharp

and I could have done more

oh-so-much more

if only I had applied myself

I didn’t know that I was funny

I couldn’t have imagined the way

I could make them laugh

oh-so-hard into the night

in the years to come

I didn’t know that I was desirable

it never crossed my mind that

someone might look at me and say

“Oh, I want her”

that I could inspire such lustful glances

I didn’t know that I was capable

I thought for sure that things would fall apart

if left in my hands and I would go

Oh no no no!

and be helpless as pieces crumbled around me

I didn’t know I was loving

that my arms could reach for days

and hold people close at night despite being

oh-so-short and seemingly inferior

because my heart was big enough

And you don’t know that you are

more thank you think you are

there are redeeming qualities you can count

oh-so-many redeeming qualities

if only you would let yourself see

It’s cold but not so cold that I can’t think about anything else. Every so often, I sit still long enough that the chill can enter my bones. It creeps it through my sleeves, the hem of my sweater. It makes its way under my skin and it seeps, ever so slowly, into my bones. I feel it. I get up, and I shake it off. Like I said, it’s not so cold.

Sometimes I have to remember that it’s not so cold. A few layers, a scarf around my neck and gloves on my hand, are all I need to venture out into the real world. The air is cold enough to remind my lungs that they’re alive. The cold hits my face in a sudden rush, and I feel more alive than I do when I’m sitting inside, waiting for the cold to pass.

Perhaps it is too cold for others. I have never been any other person; although, I like to think I’ve never been the same person twice. All the mes I have been seem to enjoy the element of cold. But I often have to remind myself of the fact, force myself to get dressed and take those first few steps out into the cold.

Then, suddenly, I remember. This is what I enjoy. This is comfortable to me. This is freedom. These are my golden years. And this cold? This cold is being alive.

Need

I have a need for you

and I could tell you how I feel it

in the pit of my stomach or the depths of my heart

that it starts at curled toes or works it way through my veins

but those would all be lies

because there isn’t anywhere that I don’t feel it

the need

for you

Need

the need I have isn’t just a feeling

it’s a thought

or perhaps better said

it is every thought I ever have

every thought of every day

and every breath  I take

and every moment I live

I have it

a need

for you

Need

When you have it

a need

for someone else

you  suddenly need more

you have a need for them

to need you too

to need you like you need them

and so I do

I need you

to need me in return

and we can provide for one another

our needs

How do you measure how much you miss someone?

Is it in the heartbeats counted while you are apart

or perhaps it is in how much more quickly our heart beats when finally we are together again?

Maybe the act of missing is measured by breaths

the number of which we cannot take because the pressure is too intense

I could measure the amount that I miss you when you’re gone

by the number of times my mouth turns up in a smile, remembering our time together

And when I miss you far too much, I measure it in tears

Slow and alone, heavy and numerous, accompanying choked-back sobs without you to wipe them away

I measure how much I miss you in moments

endless moments full of tears and heartbeats and, yes, even smiles

moments during which we are apart and my heart aches

These moments will never shine brightly because they are lacking

lacking of you, the one person, the thing, the guarantee

that a moment, any moment, is a moment i would rather not miss

because when we are together, i do not miss you

nor do i miss anyone or anything else

and nothing is missing in my life

I don’t have to count or measure

there’s no need for considerations like that

when we’re together

no parts of me are missing

My city she sleeps

and I try not to disturb her

because it’s in her slumber that her beauty keeps

my city barely make a sound

and so I hold my breath

with no one else around

my city rolls away

I see her familiar curves

who else has seen her this way?

My city is at peace

everyone is fast asleep

and my city shares her secrets with me

my city is at rest

beneath bright stars in the sky

and as my city sleeps, I love her best

I wrote you right into my fairytale

you were the leading man

and I fought tooth and nail

to get to our happy end

You were no prince charming

this much was easy to see

still your smile was disarming

completely taking over me

I’d tell myself maybe it was okay

If we were perfect from the start

As long as I could hear you say

that I was always in your heart

I’d heard that real love is nothing more

than two imperfect strangers

who refuse to walk out that door

both completely unaware of the danger

And in my head that picture painted was us

Although I couldn’t see it at the time

That wasn’t the story of our love

Looking back, I wish I could rewind

The problem with Hollywood

Is that movies end at the beginning

Just when things are getting good

The end credits start spinning

The same is true for us, now I see

at the time what I didn’t know

is what seemed like the last chapter for me

was just another turn on this road

There’s no use in reading story books

And expecting our lives to follow

Even today I can’t look

into the future and see my tomorrow

So I close the gilded page

to step back into my life

and enjoy the beautiful day

having never been your wife

You must be like gravity
pulling me to my knees
and I can’t breathe
without you next to me

And I don’t wanna
let go of it
And I don’t dare to
walk away from it
Because I can’t stand to
live without it

My heart and soul
at your beck and call
You have it all
and I just fall

And I don’t wanna
let go of it
And I don’t dare to
walk away from it
Because I can’t stand to
live without it

I could scream and shout
to get it all out
how I love you now
there is no doubt

And I don’t wanna
let go of it
And I don’t dare to
walk away from it
Because I can’t stand to
live without it

And can’t even
get enough
And I don’t dare to
walk away from love
Because I can’t stand to
give this up

And I don’t wanna
let go of it
And I don’t dare to
walk away from it
Because I can’t stand to
live without it

Walking tall with confidence
laughter ending every sentence
never stuck on the fence

I’ve never been that girl
Never been the girl who owned the world
Never been that girl before
Never been all that and more

Popular with all the guys
Catching every passing eye
Too cool to be shy

I’ve never been that girl
Never been the girl who owned the world
Never been that girl before
Never been all that and more

Smiling in every photograph
and taking every single chance
knowing that I’m good enough for that

I’ve never been that girl
Never been the girl who owned the world
Never been that girl before
Never been all that and more

Because she’s got it all down
From her perfect hair to her Cinderella gown
The boys they chase her everywhere
The girls want to be her they swear
She makes it look like everything comes easily
She’s nothing like a girl like me

I’ve never been that girl
Never been the girl who owned the world
Never been that girl before
Never been all that and more

I’ve never been that girl, that girl
No, I’ve never been that girl before