I have a craving for peanut butter
and chocolate
in ice cream
just like I have a craving for you
and breathless afternoons
in my bed
but I guess I can’t have either
so I’ll sate myself
with whiskey
it comes with less regret anyway
Fuck you
I’m in love with you
And you don’t know or you don’t care
It doesn’t matter either
Anyway
I’ve got other crosses to bear
This feeling in the pit of my stomach
like the world is falling away
beneath my feet
or maybe I am being pulled
into some sort of
internal whirlwind
helpless and terrified
This feeling, it visits me
once, twice a day
or more
perhaps it never really leaves
and it’s futile, after all, to count
I’m sure you’ve all had the feeling, too
swirling vortex of fear
and sadness, irrevocably linked
impenetrable, undeniable
wholly unavoidable
and rearing its ugly head
at the worst possible moment
This feeling
I want to bury it
before it buries me
buries me alive
Time. It will take time before every rom-com doesn’t make me wonder whether you are my soul mate. It will be a while before the word “love” is no longer synonymous with your name. Sometime in the future I will be able to look back on this, on the time when I was in love with you. I will have loved you, and those feelings will be no more.
But that is not now. In the present, I still love you. My thoughts are still consumed by you and I burn with as many colors as emotions you’ve made me feel. For now, I will take one day at a time and just focus on breathing.
I’ve got time, anyway.
I wrote three poems today
iguessthismakesfour
i just sat down and felt the words that some would perhaps say i’d been putting off for too long
and now i feel whateveritisyouwouldcall
the feeling where you’re no longer weighed down by everything that you let haunt you
if
if i should
if i should forget you entirely
all the times, good and bad and in between
if i should let it all go
because the bad is too much
much too much for me to handle
and it brings me to my knees
drives the very breath
from my lungs
if i should let go
of everything
of you
and me
and
…us
because i cannot tear our story in half
rip the binding in twain
and toss the pages to the wind
if i
should try to erase you
from those pages
those chapters
and from in between
every single line
if i even could
then i would
erase a part of myself
My heart breaks for her, the girl who looked in the mirror and saw nothing but defects. She tried and tried and tried some more to hide them, to hide herself, from the world, lest they discover how broken she really was. She hid behind masks and scowls and eyeliners, and she hated the world for making her hide almost as much as she hated her defected self.
I shed a tear for the girl who had no idea whatsoever that she might be the holder of redeeming qualities. I would hold her close and whisper into her ear that it isn’t true no matter what some people might say. It’s only their own insecurities and perhaps they weren’t ready, the world wasn’t ready, for someone like her to walk its paths.
I wonder why why why and how a person like her could spend more than half her life, wasting the years away, hiding and completely oblivious to her own light. Days and nights blending together with no light at the end of the tunnel. After all, there can be no light if her eyes are and everything is dark dark dark.
If only I could have, had I known, were I able to, create the safe place where she could open her eyes, embrace the world, spread her love and finally finally finally shine.
I didn’t know that I was smart
that my wit was razor sharp
and I could have done more
oh-so-much more
if only I had applied myself
I didn’t know that I was funny
I couldn’t have imagined the way
I could make them laugh
oh-so-hard into the night
in the years to come
I didn’t know that I was desirable
it never crossed my mind that
someone might look at me and say
“Oh, I want her”
that I could inspire such lustful glances
I didn’t know that I was capable
I thought for sure that things would fall apart
if left in my hands and I would go
Oh no no no!
and be helpless as pieces crumbled around me
I didn’t know I was loving
that my arms could reach for days
and hold people close at night despite being
oh-so-short and seemingly inferior
because my heart was big enough
And you don’t know that you are
more thank you think you are
there are redeeming qualities you can count
oh-so-many redeeming qualities
if only you would let yourself see
Need
I have a need for you
and I could tell you how I feel it
in the pit of my stomach or the depths of my heart
that it starts at curled toes or works it way through my veins
but those would all be lies
because there isn’t anywhere that I don’t feel it
the need
for you
Need
the need I have isn’t just a feeling
it’s a thought
or perhaps better said
it is every thought I ever have
every thought of every day
and every breath I take
and every moment I live
I have it
a need
for you
Need
When you have it
a need
for someone else
you suddenly need more
you have a need for them
to need you too
to need you like you need them
and so I do
I need you
to need me in return
and we can provide for one another
our needs
How do you measure how much you miss someone?
Is it in the heartbeats counted while you are apart
or perhaps it is in how much more quickly our heart beats when finally we are together again?
Maybe the act of missing is measured by breaths
the number of which we cannot take because the pressure is too intense
I could measure the amount that I miss you when you’re gone
by the number of times my mouth turns up in a smile, remembering our time together
And when I miss you far too much, I measure it in tears
Slow and alone, heavy and numerous, accompanying choked-back sobs without you to wipe them away
I measure how much I miss you in moments
endless moments full of tears and heartbeats and, yes, even smiles
moments during which we are apart and my heart aches
These moments will never shine brightly because they are lacking
lacking of you, the one person, the thing, the guarantee
that a moment, any moment, is a moment i would rather not miss
because when we are together, i do not miss you
nor do i miss anyone or anything else
and nothing is missing in my life
I don’t have to count or measure
there’s no need for considerations like that
when we’re together
no parts of me are missing