Lyrical Musings an emotional journey via train of thought

Fuck you
I’m in love with you
And you don’t know or you don’t care
It doesn’t matter either
Anyway
I’ve got other crosses to bear

This feeling in the pit of my stomach
like the world is falling away
beneath my feet
or maybe I am being pulled
into some sort of
internal whirlwind
helpless and terrified
This feeling, it visits me
once, twice a day
or more
perhaps it never really leaves
and it’s futile, after all, to count
I’m sure you’ve all had the feeling, too
swirling vortex of fear
and sadness, irrevocably linked
impenetrable, undeniable
wholly unavoidable
and rearing its ugly head
at the worst possible moment
This feeling
I want to bury it
before it buries me
buries me alive

Time. It will take time before every rom-com doesn’t make me wonder whether you are my soul mate. It will be a while before the word “love” is no longer synonymous with your name. Sometime in the future I will be able to look back on this, on the time when I was in love with you. I will have loved you, and those feelings will be no more.

But that is not now. In the present, I still love you. My thoughts are still consumed by you and I burn with as many colors as emotions you’ve made me feel. For now, I will take one day at a time and just focus on breathing.

I’ve got time, anyway.

if

if i should

if i should forget you entirely

all the times, good and bad and in between

if i should let it all go

because the bad is too much

much too much for me to handle

and it brings me to my knees

drives the very breath

from my lungs

if i should let go

of everything

of you

and me

and

…us

because i cannot tear our story in half

rip the binding in twain

and toss the pages to the wind

if i

should try to erase you

from those pages

those chapters

and from in between

every single line

if i even could

then i would

erase a part of myself

Need

I have a need for you

and I could tell you how I feel it

in the pit of my stomach or the depths of my heart

that it starts at curled toes or works it way through my veins

but those would all be lies

because there isn’t anywhere that I don’t feel it

the need

for you

Need

the need I have isn’t just a feeling

it’s a thought

or perhaps better said

it is every thought I ever have

every thought of every day

and every breath  I take

and every moment I live

I have it

a need

for you

Need

When you have it

a need

for someone else

you  suddenly need more

you have a need for them

to need you too

to need you like you need them

and so I do

I need you

to need me in return

and we can provide for one another

our needs

How do you measure how much you miss someone?

Is it in the heartbeats counted while you are apart

or perhaps it is in how much more quickly our heart beats when finally we are together again?

Maybe the act of missing is measured by breaths

the number of which we cannot take because the pressure is too intense

I could measure the amount that I miss you when you’re gone

by the number of times my mouth turns up in a smile, remembering our time together

And when I miss you far too much, I measure it in tears

Slow and alone, heavy and numerous, accompanying choked-back sobs without you to wipe them away

I measure how much I miss you in moments

endless moments full of tears and heartbeats and, yes, even smiles

moments during which we are apart and my heart aches

These moments will never shine brightly because they are lacking

lacking of you, the one person, the thing, the guarantee

that a moment, any moment, is a moment i would rather not miss

because when we are together, i do not miss you

nor do i miss anyone or anything else

and nothing is missing in my life

I don’t have to count or measure

there’s no need for considerations like that

when we’re together

no parts of me are missing

I wrote you right into my fairytale

you were the leading man

and I fought tooth and nail

to get to our happy end

You were no prince charming

this much was easy to see

still your smile was disarming

completely taking over me

I’d tell myself maybe it was okay

If we were perfect from the start

As long as I could hear you say

that I was always in your heart

I’d heard that real love is nothing more

than two imperfect strangers

who refuse to walk out that door

both completely unaware of the danger

And in my head that picture painted was us

Although I couldn’t see it at the time

That wasn’t the story of our love

Looking back, I wish I could rewind

The problem with Hollywood

Is that movies end at the beginning

Just when things are getting good

The end credits start spinning

The same is true for us, now I see

at the time what I didn’t know

is what seemed like the last chapter for me

was just another turn on this road

There’s no use in reading story books

And expecting our lives to follow

Even today I can’t look

into the future and see my tomorrow

So I close the gilded page

to step back into my life

and enjoy the beautiful day

having never been your wife

You must be like gravity
pulling me to my knees
and I can’t breathe
without you next to me

And I don’t wanna
let go of it
And I don’t dare to
walk away from it
Because I can’t stand to
live without it

My heart and soul
at your beck and call
You have it all
and I just fall

And I don’t wanna
let go of it
And I don’t dare to
walk away from it
Because I can’t stand to
live without it

I could scream and shout
to get it all out
how I love you now
there is no doubt

And I don’t wanna
let go of it
And I don’t dare to
walk away from it
Because I can’t stand to
live without it

And can’t even
get enough
And I don’t dare to
walk away from love
Because I can’t stand to
give this up

And I don’t wanna
let go of it
And I don’t dare to
walk away from it
Because I can’t stand to
live without it

It’s not fair

That I am right here

and you are over there

It breaks my heart

When I need you

but you’re so far

and I feel weak

reaching out for you

in my sleep

but you’re not with me

no, you can’t be

you’re not near me

you’re not close enough

to wrap inside my love

how i wish you could stay

but then you go ahead

It’s not right

being alone

without you at night

I feel alone

without my safe place

what I call home

It won’t do

to keep crying out

and wanting you

but you’re not with me

no, you can’t be

you’re not near me

you’re not close enough

to wrap inside my love

how i wish you could stay

but then you go ahead

Is it love

this feeling like

I can’t get enough?

Should I wait

for the day to come

when you can stay?

Do you care

when I’m right here

and you’re over there?

you’re not with me

no, you can’t be

close enough to touch

you’re not near me

no, you’t can be

close enough to love

no, you can’t be

no, you can’t be

with me

and you
you make me
you make me feel
like it’s okay to be so complicated
and suddenly it’s a simple thing

but you
you make me
you make me wonder
if there’s nothing we can do
to make this thing so simple

yet you
you make me
you make me want
you every minute of every day
and never have to let you go

so you
you’ve got me
you’ve got me
waiting and wanting, in love
and waiting just for you