Lyrical Musings an emotional journey via train of thought

I met you on your birthday

a chance connection

for me it was like every other day

except that I saw your face

and it made me smile, giggle like a child

i nearly floated away

it felt like there was light in my life

a light i saw mirrored in your face when we met again

not the second time

but maybe the third or fourth

it was so clear that you wanted to see me, too

i made a point of being where you were

so i could be in your presence, gaze upon your face, exchange words

i tried so hard to build that bridge

to make that connection

maybe there was no feat of engineering

that could have brought us closer together

maybe the timing was all wrong

or there was no foundation to build on

i could have been mistaken

finding significance where there was none

it might have been your birthday

but it was just another day, wasn’t it?

I know I’m not in love with you

And do you know how I can tell?

Because I haven’t written you into a poem, used words to craft your homage

I’m not doing that now, in case anyone asks

and if they ask, I could not tell them why

why I am not in love with you

by this time, I normally am

if this were my first or second or, hell, seventh, heartbreak

I’d be sure of how I feel and what I want

I’m always so sure

ironic, then, how it never works out

maybe the difference is doubt

and I will proceed with caution

and just a bit of trepidation

maybe it will not be incendiary, and that’s okay

or maybe you’re just another not-the-one

that’s the most likely scenario

whether I cannot stop my heart from escaping my chest

or the tsunami of thoughts from overwhelming me

is not the measure of success

just another trip down lover’s lane

a fall that’s all too easy for me

so if I am not in love with you, maybe

maybe I am finally learning not to take

the easy way out

I miss him
with the strong jaw, the smiling eyes and the tousled hair
I miss him
with the childlike grin and long, lithe fingers
I miss him
all 6-foot-3 and gangly arms
I miss him
with his perfect wordplay and youthfulness
I miss him
with his high cheekbones

I miss the way
he made me feel kind
I miss the way
I felt truly loved for the first time
I miss the way
we fell into bed together
I miss the way
we had to pry away from one another
I miss the way
he slipped his arm around me so easily

I miss all of those hims
and I will miss another again
and again

There will always be a him
and I will always miss him

It didn’t really matter, did it

That you were seven years my junior

It didn’t really matter, did it

The distance between us

And it didn’t matter

I hadn’t heard your voice

or touched your skin

or hadn’t yet saw the way you rolled your eyes when you laughed

you roll your eyes when you laugh

None of that mattered to my heart

Because it knew you

before I knew any of those things

And I needed to sadly for you to know me, too

It didn’t really matter, did it

that none of that would happen

It didn’t really matter did it,

that fate had a different plan

And it didn’t matter

that I was getting ahead of myself

counting all my chicks before they hatched

imagining impossible futures

and setting myself up for inevitable failure

Because I wanted so much for it to be true

for you to be the one

and for my wait to finally be done

It didn’t really matter, did it

And it doesn’t really matter now

I could sing you a song

about how you’ve done me wrong

Try to use my words to show

but I think we both know

I could put it all in letter

but someone else has already done it better

 

 

I could add my voice to the heartbroke chorus

Everyone who came before us

Spin a tale about heartbreak and loss

and wonder if it’s worth the cost

But I’m not even that clever

and someone else has already done it better

 

I could devise a devious plan

find a way to force my hand

Try to win you over with time

Do everything in my power to make you mine

Promise to love you better

but someone else has already done it better

 

Maybe I’ll cut to the chase next time

I won’t be so blind or pretend you’re kind

Recognize the blame is only mine

if I put my heart on the line

Break my own heart until it’s shattered and severed

but someone else has already done it better

and then there’s you

and you and you and you

lurking in every corner of my mind

slipping in and out of my dreams

miles away — yet somehow

always by my side

there you are

again

why can’t i shake

the thought of  you?

am i, is this, could it be

haunted?

it couldn’t be

but perhaps

am i blessed

with the thought of you?

and you and you and you

every waking hour

and sleep-filled night

it’s you

and you and you and you

I just can’t get enough of you

if I could have no one and nothing else

I would choose you

and you and you and you

There is no substitute for you

no matter where I go or what I do

This house can’t feel like home

and I’m always alone

 

I didn’t mean for you to be

the hook upon I’d hang my dreams

Resting so precariously

How very foolish of me

 

You were the light in the dark

the only one to pierce my heart

Finally I felt alive

Imaginging you by my side

 

Didn’t see you walk right up

Can I even justify my love?

Had this broken heart for so long

How many months since you’ve been gone?

 

I didn’t mean for you to be

the hook upon I’d hang my dreams

Resting so precariously

How very foolish of me

 

And I have so much to say

about how you made me feel this way

Straight to the heart of the things

but you’re not listening

 

Did I think we’re meant to be?

Caught up in love so easily?

Giving you every part of me

How very foolish, I see

We never got the chance

to make memories

you and me

falling blindingly

But it’s all a haze

and I can’t recall

any single day

and while I’m sure you remember me

I still finding myself wishing

we’d made  just one more memory

I thought I would feel better than this already

by blocking you from my sight, my life

but it seems like I just cannot block you from my heart

and that is where I hold all my sadness

 

I have a craving for peanut butter

and chocolate

in ice cream

just like I have a craving for you

and breathless afternoons

in my bed

but I guess I can’t have either

so I’ll sate myself

with whiskey

it comes with less regret anyway