Lyrical Musings an emotional journey via train of thought

It is after the third time
that you showed up at my door,
deposited yourself in my bed,
and entwined your body with mine
when you ask, with the most touching show of vulnerability that remains unmatched,
if I still loved you.
I wanted nothing more than to console you
and I was painfully aware of the passing time
when I said,
“of course.”
I could have said more;
maybe then you would have remembered
what was so vividly burned into my memory.
But I was too busy being vulnerable myself.

This feat accomplished 

Serendipity.

Once again, lying in my bed 
Thoughts of you 
Swimming round my head 
But you know, there's no place 
I'd rather be instead 

I'm starting to get glimpses of certainty
When I realize I love you, 
I look at the clock and it's 12:30 
In the middle of the night and 
I feel the calm surrounding me 

Where have the hours gone anyway? 
How have we so quickly 
Passed the time away? 
And if I tell it all 
Would you want to stay? 

I'm starting to get glimpses of certainty
When I realize I love you, 
I look at the clock and it's 12:30 
In the middle of the night and 
I feel the calm surrounding me 

But I don't really have a choice 
When it comes to 
Raising up my voice 
So I can speak above
The world's perpetual noise 

I'm starting to get glimpses of certainty
When I realize I love you, 
I look at the clock and it's 12:30 
In the middle of the night and 
I feel the calm surrounding me 

You wouldn't think it's cute 
That I'm putting down
These words about you 
It's just something I can't help but do
Like these feelings are 
All brand new 
I searched for home 
Now I've found you 

I'm starting to get glimpses of certainty
When I realize I love you, 
I look at the clock and it's 12:30 
In the middle of the night and 
I feel the calm surrounding me 

“Go north.”

And I agreed

but my true north isn’t a direction.

It’s the knowledge

that I am worthy–of time, attention, and affection

and the feeling that the universe is romancing

me specifically,

the moon, its messenger.

She beckons me,

“Come nearer; I have something to tell you”

and almost without thinking, I follow her glow.

Like the tides, I am pulled toward her,

And I trust in her,

not because I am overwhelmed by her beauty

(I am)

but because she never leads me astray

nor will she ever leave me.

Through the days when she hides

and the night when she is dark

or obscured by clouds,

my faith never waivers.

Maybe she courts another (who wouldn’t fall under her spell?),

but it doesn’t matter;

there is enough of her for all of us.

She always returns

and I will always be waiting.

Tonight, she leads me home

because my true north is right where I began,

welcome and familiar.

I am comforted that where I am

and who I am right now

is all I need.

The moon and her fullness reminds me

that I am complete.

I used to feel so much

and let myself

overwhelm with emotion

and I would revel in what it feels like

just to be alive

because all that pain, my broken heart

meant it was still beating

and I was still here

despite all of life’s attempts otherwise

but then I stopped

too overcome with worry

that if I let myself feel, I would wallow

become trapped in that pit of despair

unable to emerge again

now I know not who I am

nor what to do with myself

maybe I just needed to ball it all up

shrink it down

and turn it around and around in my hands

examine the problem from every angle

and begin to pick

a needle here, a wriggle there

to understand where the cracks lie

figure out how it comes together

when it all falls apart

and begin to unfold it

so I can access the feelings trapped inside

lean into them

give them life

say them aloud

and write them for all to see

no longer trapped in the ball

behind a wall of denial

inside of me

if all I needed to do this whole time

was examine those emotions

let them out

not to dominate me

but simply so they could whisk away with the wind

and I could finally breathe

maybe I never would have lost my words

or myself

to this overwhelming need to shut down

and run away

maybe I would have found safety

in simply standing in place

standing my ground

as the storm swirled on around me

riding out the storm instead of running

and hiding away from the world

but what’s done is done

and all that is left to do now

is rebuild

and try to remember my safety plan

for future storms

I met you on your birthday

a chance connection

for me it was like every other day

except that I saw your face

and it made me smile, giggle like a child

i nearly floated away

it felt like there was light in my life

a light i saw mirrored in your face when we met again

not the second time

but maybe the third or fourth

it was so clear that you wanted to see me, too

i made a point of being where you were

so i could be in your presence, gaze upon your face, exchange words

i tried so hard to build that bridge

to make that connection

maybe there was no feat of engineering

that could have brought us closer together

maybe the timing was all wrong

or there was no foundation to build on

i could have been mistaken

finding significance where there was none

it might have been your birthday

but it was just another day, wasn’t it?

Mind the gap

the distance between you and what you want

but don’t obsess

don’t fall in and get stuck

as though it’s a moat or a well that can swallow you up

take stock of that distance, measure it and make a note

of the materials you’ll need to build the bridge

that will take you right over that gap

and don’t let yourself forget

that building a bridge to cross that gap will cost you

in time

and effort

and money

and sometimes there will be setbacks, do-overs that increase those costs

but you’ll have planned for this

so you won’t give up

and eventually, you’ll see

the light at the end of the tunnel

your goal on the horizon

and you’ll know that you made it happen

you’re making it happen

you will continue to do so

and somewhere along the line

when you take the time to look behind you

you’ll realize that no longer do you

mind that gap

It comes

allatonce

Or none

a t a l l

there is no in between

and nothing we can do

feast or famine.

Personally, I prefer a feast,

that is, until I have gorged,

reached such gluttony

that I feel sick — to my stomach and of the sight

of the plate or, in this case,

the words

that I have eaten or writ or swallowed (like my pride).

NO MORE,

I would scream if it weren’t so damned impolite

Instead, I push away

the plate or the screen.

I excuse myself from the venue

and swear off the glut.

Until next time.

Next time, when I cannot control myself,

or is it that I will not?

Perhaps I’d rather regret indulgence

than experience nothing at all.

Once wasn’t enough, I see that now

I had to have you a second time, then

athirdafourthafifth and more

Once is never enough because

you don’t know if the first time was

mediocre and awkward

because you didn’t know my rhythm

and I couldn’t find my voice

Nor can we know if it was a fluke

that cannot be repeated,

no matter how hard

or how many times

we try

So I had to have you again,

and I have — some of you

Some of you elude me

I wanted you more,

and you gave me less.

And the less you gave,

the more I wanted of you

A vicious cycle to be sure

Sometimes, just sometimes

once is enough

more often than not,

once is too much

it threatens to pull me

every which way

and I cannot

Ironic, I suppose,

that I’ve felt this

compulsion for more,

knowing that once will never be enough,

more than once.

Toomuch.

The only time when

once would be

enough.

I know I’m not in love with you

And do you know how I can tell?

Because I haven’t written you into a poem, used words to craft your homage

I’m not doing that now, in case anyone asks

and if they ask, I could not tell them why

why I am not in love with you

by this time, I normally am

if this were my first or second or, hell, seventh, heartbreak

I’d be sure of how I feel and what I want

I’m always so sure

ironic, then, how it never works out

maybe the difference is doubt

and I will proceed with caution

and just a bit of trepidation

maybe it will not be incendiary, and that’s okay

or maybe you’re just another not-the-one

that’s the most likely scenario

whether I cannot stop my heart from escaping my chest

or the tsunami of thoughts from overwhelming me

is not the measure of success

just another trip down lover’s lane

a fall that’s all too easy for me

so if I am not in love with you, maybe

maybe I am finally learning not to take

the easy way out