Lyrical Musings an emotional journey via train of thought

a guy plays guitar

in the backroom of a bar

I think about you

It is after the third time
that you showed up at my door,
deposited yourself in my bed,
and entwined your body with mine
when you ask, with the most touching show of vulnerability that remains unmatched,
if I still loved you.
I wanted nothing more than to console you
and I was painfully aware of the passing time
when I said,
“of course.”
I could have said more;
maybe then you would have remembered
what was so vividly burned into my memory.
But I was too busy being vulnerable myself.

This feat accomplished 

Serendipity.

Once again, lying in my bed 
Thoughts of you 
Swimming round my head 
But you know, there's no place 
I'd rather be instead 

I'm starting to get glimpses of certainty
When I realize I love you, 
I look at the clock and it's 12:30 
In the middle of the night and 
I feel the calm surrounding me 

Where have the hours gone anyway? 
How have we so quickly 
Passed the time away? 
And if I tell it all 
Would you want to stay? 

I'm starting to get glimpses of certainty
When I realize I love you, 
I look at the clock and it's 12:30 
In the middle of the night and 
I feel the calm surrounding me 

But I don't really have a choice 
When it comes to 
Raising up my voice 
So I can speak above
The world's perpetual noise 

I'm starting to get glimpses of certainty
When I realize I love you, 
I look at the clock and it's 12:30 
In the middle of the night and 
I feel the calm surrounding me 

You wouldn't think it's cute 
That I'm putting down
These words about you 
It's just something I can't help but do
Like these feelings are 
All brand new 
I searched for home 
Now I've found you 

I'm starting to get glimpses of certainty
When I realize I love you, 
I look at the clock and it's 12:30 
In the middle of the night and 
I feel the calm surrounding me 

“Go north.”

And I agreed

but my true north isn’t a direction.

It’s the knowledge

that I am worthy–of time, attention, and affection

and the feeling that the universe is romancing

me specifically,

the moon, its messenger.

She beckons me,

“Come nearer; I have something to tell you”

and almost without thinking, I follow her glow.

Like the tides, I am pulled toward her,

And I trust in her,

not because I am overwhelmed by her beauty

(I am)

but because she never leads me astray

nor will she ever leave me.

Through the days when she hides

and the night when she is dark

or obscured by clouds,

my faith never waivers.

Maybe she courts another (who wouldn’t fall under her spell?),

but it doesn’t matter;

there is enough of her for all of us.

She always returns

and I will always be waiting.

Tonight, she leads me home

because my true north is right where I began,

welcome and familiar.

I am comforted that where I am

and who I am right now

is all I need.

The moon and her fullness reminds me

that I am complete.

I used to feel so much

and let myself

overwhelm with emotion

and I would revel in what it feels like

just to be alive

because all that pain, my broken heart

meant it was still beating

and I was still here

despite all of life’s attempts otherwise

but then I stopped

too overcome with worry

that if I let myself feel, I would wallow

become trapped in that pit of despair

unable to emerge again

now I know not who I am

nor what to do with myself

maybe I just needed to ball it all up

shrink it down

and turn it around and around in my hands

examine the problem from every angle

and begin to pick

a needle here, a wriggle there

to understand where the cracks lie

figure out how it comes together

when it all falls apart

and begin to unfold it

so I can access the feelings trapped inside

lean into them

give them life

say them aloud

and write them for all to see

no longer trapped in the ball

behind a wall of denial

inside of me

if all I needed to do this whole time

was examine those emotions

let them out

not to dominate me

but simply so they could whisk away with the wind

and I could finally breathe

maybe I never would have lost my words

or myself

to this overwhelming need to shut down

and run away

maybe I would have found safety

in simply standing in place

standing my ground

as the storm swirled on around me

riding out the storm instead of running

and hiding away from the world

but what’s done is done

and all that is left to do now

is rebuild

and try to remember my safety plan

for future storms

Run. Keep running as fast as you can, breaths exploding in your lungs and feet barely touching the ground. Run as if your life depends on it, and don’t look back. Keep your gaze laser-focused on what’s ahead of your, your periphery a blur as you leap and bound over every obstacle. 

Run as though you are being chased. But you are not the chased, the prey. You are the chaser, the predator. You know your goal, can almost visualize it. It’s so close. It will be yours. You run.

Your lungs and calves are on fire. Every breath and every step is more difficult than the last. Have your legs already been that heavy? But you must run. Keep running. Sweat drips down your face; you can taste it on your tongue. It coalesces at the nape of your neck in your hair and drips into your eyes, the salt stinging them. You blink in a vain attempt to clear them and see straight. You’re almost there; keep running.

You can no longer hear anything above the pounding of blood in your veins, your heart trying to beat out of your chest, your ragged breaths. Whatever else may be happening in the world, you are deaf to it. As you run.

It can’t be much longer now, you think to yourself, pushing ahead with the last shred of energy you possess. You hope it isn’t much longer. Keep running. You can do this. You have to.

The world looks red, your pupils want to constrict, and you can feel the sweat pooling behind your knees and in the small of your back. You know you can’t take much more of this. Pretty soon, you won’t be able to keep running.

Every heave of your chest is a herculean feat. To lift your leg is like pushing a several-ton boulder uphill. You keep running, but your pace has slowed. For a brief moment, you anticipate your heart giving out and your body dropping to the ground right then.

But then, the alarm. You’re jolted from that reverie. The treadmill slows and so does your pace. You no longer have to keep running. Focus on breathing, returning to equilibrium. Grab a towel and sop up the sweat on your face, your neck.

Step off the back of the treadmill and feel the hard ground beneath you. The world is no longer moving. You can stop running. You can relax, drop your shoulders. Examine the room around you as you gulp water, droplets landing on your chest.

You are safe, for now. You no longer need to run. Without the pain in your muscles and your knees, you can focus on the endorphins rushing through your body and welcome the high. Your grimace can upturn every so slightly. Your cycle is complete. The stress cycle has completed. For now.

And for now you can return to the land of the living, of suits-and-ties, meetings and red tape, and cubicles trussed up to look a little less like coffins. Take your place among the peons and CEOs sitting at their desks in front of their computers all resisting the urger to run even though they don’t know what they’re running from.

I met you on your birthday

a chance connection

for me it was like every other day

except that I saw your face

and it made me smile, giggle like a child

i nearly floated away

it felt like there was light in my life

a light i saw mirrored in your face when we met again

not the second time

but maybe the third or fourth

it was so clear that you wanted to see me, too

i made a point of being where you were

so i could be in your presence, gaze upon your face, exchange words

i tried so hard to build that bridge

to make that connection

maybe there was no feat of engineering

that could have brought us closer together

maybe the timing was all wrong

or there was no foundation to build on

i could have been mistaken

finding significance where there was none

it might have been your birthday

but it was just another day, wasn’t it?

Mind the gap

the distance between you and what you want

but don’t obsess

don’t fall in and get stuck

as though it’s a moat or a well that can swallow you up

take stock of that distance, measure it and make a note

of the materials you’ll need to build the bridge

that will take you right over that gap

and don’t let yourself forget

that building a bridge to cross that gap will cost you

in time

and effort

and money

and sometimes there will be setbacks, do-overs that increase those costs

but you’ll have planned for this

so you won’t give up

and eventually, you’ll see

the light at the end of the tunnel

your goal on the horizon

and you’ll know that you made it happen

you’re making it happen

you will continue to do so

and somewhere along the line

when you take the time to look behind you

you’ll realize that no longer do you

mind that gap

It comes

allatonce

Or none

a t a l l

there is no in between

and nothing we can do

feast or famine.

Personally, I prefer a feast,

that is, until I have gorged,

reached such gluttony

that I feel sick — to my stomach and of the sight

of the plate or, in this case,

the words

that I have eaten or writ or swallowed (like my pride).

NO MORE,

I would scream if it weren’t so damned impolite

Instead, I push away

the plate or the screen.

I excuse myself from the venue

and swear off the glut.

Until next time.

Next time, when I cannot control myself,

or is it that I will not?

Perhaps I’d rather regret indulgence

than experience nothing at all.