Lyrical Musings an emotional journey via train of thought

I Am No Houdini

March 24th, 2015

This feeling in the pit of my stomach
like the world is falling away
beneath my feet
or maybe I am being pulled
into some sort of
internal whirlwind
helpless and terrified
This feeling, it visits me
once, twice a day
or more
perhaps it never really leaves
and it’s futile, after all, to count
I’m sure you’ve all had the feeling, too
swirling vortex of fear
and sadness, irrevocably linked
impenetrable, undeniable
wholly unavoidable
and rearing its ugly head
at the worst possible moment
This feeling
I want to bury it
before it buries me
buries me alive

Walk It Off

March 24th, 2015

My heart is broken
but it’s still beating,
My feet are bruised
but I’m still moving
My lungs are burning
but they still breathe

I walk it off, walk it off
keep moving forward
Trying to dull the pain
But when I stop
Everything’s still the same

My hair’s a mess
The house a wreck
My inbox full of unread texts
Can’t keep it all in check
But I won’t give up yet

I walk it off, walk it off
keep moving forward
Trying to dull the pain
But when I stop
Everything’s still the same

Miles behind me
Where’ve I been?
Time is history
When does it end?
Or does it just begin again?

I walk it off, walk it off
keep moving forward
Trying to dull the pain
But when I stop
Everything’s still the same

I walk it off, walk it off
And I go on and on and on
I walk it off

Present Tense

March 3rd, 2015

Time. It will take time before every rom-com doesn’t make me wonder whether you are my soul mate. It will be a while before the word “love” is synonymous with your name. Sometime in the future I will be able to look back on this, on the time when I was in love with you. I will have loved you, and those feelings will be no more.

But that is not now. In the present, I still love you. My thoughts are still consumed by you and I burn with as many colors as emotions you’ve made me feel. For now, I will take one day at a time and just focus on breathing.

I’ve got time, anyway.

IV

February 6th, 2015

I wrote three poems today

iguessthismakesfour

i just sat down and felt the words that some would perhaps say i’d be putting off for too long

and now i feel whateveritisyouwouldcall

the feeling where you’re no longer weighed down by everything that you let haunt you

No Story Without You

February 6th, 2015

if

if i should

if i should forget you entirely

all the times, good and bad and in between

if i should let it all go

because the bad is too much

much too much for me to handle

and it brings me to my knees

drives the very breath

from my lungs

if i should let go

of everything

of you

and me

and

…us

because i cannot tear our story in half

rip the binding in twain

and toss the pages to the wind

if i

should try to erase you

from those pages

those chapters

and from in between

every single line

if i even could

then i would

erase a part of myself

Shine

February 6th, 2015

My heart breaks for her, the girl who looked in the mirror and saw nothing but defects. She tried and tried and tried some more to hide them, to hide herself, from the world, lest they discover how broken she really was. She hid behind masks and scowls and eyeliners, and she hated the world for making her hide almost as much as she hated her defected self.

I shed a tear for the girl who had no idea whatsoever that she might be the holder of redeeming qualities. I would hold her close and whisper into her ear that it isn’t true no matter what some people might say. It’s only their own insecurities and perhaps they weren’t ready, the world wasn’t ready, for someone like her to walk its paths.

I wonder why why why and how a person like her could spend more than half her life, wasting the years away, hiding and completely oblivious to her own light. Days and nights blending together with no light at the end of the tunnel. After all, there can be no light if her eyes are and everything is dark dark dark.

If only I could have, had I known, were I able to, create the safe place where she could open her eyes, embrace the world, spread her love and finally finally finally shine.

Je ne savais pas

February 6th, 2015

I didn’t know that I was smart

that my wit was razor sharp

and I could have done more

oh-so-much more

if only I had applied myself

 

I didn’t know that I was funny

I couldn’t have imagined the way

I could make them laugh

oh-so-hard into the night

in the years to come

 

I didn’t know that I was desirable

it never crossed my mind that

someone might look at me and say

“Oh, I want her”

that I could inspire such lustful glances

 

I didn’t know that I was capable

I thought for sure that things would fall apart

if left in my hands and I would go

Oh no no no!

and be helpless as pieces crumbled around me

 

I didn’t know I was loving

that my arms could reach for days

and hold people close at night despite being

oh-so-short and seemingly inferior

because my heart was big enough

 

And you don’t know that you are

more thank you think you are

there are redeeming qualities you can count

oh-so-many redeeming qualities

if only you would let yourself see

Cold

January 15th, 2015

It’s cold but not so cold that I can’t think about anything else. Every so often, I sit still long enough that the chill can enter my bones. It creeps it through my sleeves, the hem of my sweater. It makes its way under my skin and it seeps, ever so slowly, into my bones. I feel it. I get up, and I shake it off. Like I said, it’s not so cold.

Sometimes I have to remember that it’s not so cold. A few layers, a scar around my neck and gloves on my hand, are all I need to venture out into the real world. The air is cold enough to remind my lungs that they’re alive. The cold hits my face in a sudden rush, and I feel more alive than I do when I’m sitting inside, waiting for the cold to pass.

Perhaps it is too cold for others. I have never been any other person; although, I like to think I’ve never been the same person twice. All the mes I have been seem to enjoy the element of cold. But I often have to remind myself of the fact, force myself to get dressed and take those first few steps out into the cold.

Then, suddenly, I remember. This is what I enjoy. This is comfortable to me. This is freedom. These are my golden years. And this cold? This cold is being alive.

Need

October 14th, 2014

Need

I have a need for you

and I could tell you how I feel it

in the pit of my stomach or the depths of my heart

that it starts at curled toes or works it way through my veins

but those would all be lies

because there isn’t anywhere that I don’t feel it

the need

for you

 

Need

the need I have isn’t just a feeling

it’s a thought

or perhaps better said

it is every thought I ever have

every thought of every day

and every breath  I take

and every moment I live

I have it

a need

for you

 

Need

When you have it

a need

for someone else

you  suddenly need more

you have a need for them

to need you too

to need you like you need them

and so I do

I need you

to need me in return

and we can provide for one another

our needs

 

Missing

August 16th, 2014

How do you measure how much you miss someone?

 

Is it in the heartbeats counted while you are apart

or perhaps it is in how much more quickly our heart beats when finally we are together again?

 

Maybe the act of missing is measured by breaths

the number of which we cannot take because the pressure is too intense

 

I could measure the amount that I miss you when you’re gone

by the number of times my mouth turns up in a smile, remembering our time together

 

And when I miss you far too much, I measure it in tears

Slow and alone, heavy and numerous, accompanying choked-back sobs without you to wipe them away

 

I measure how much I miss you in moments

endless moments full of tears and heartbeats and, yes, even smiles

moments during which we are apart and my heart aches

 

These moments will never shine brightly because they are lacking

lacking of you, the one person, the thing, the guarantee

that a moment, any moment, is a moment i would rather not miss

because when we are together, i do not miss you

nor do i miss anyone or anything else

and nothing is missing in my life

 

I don’t have to count or measure

there’s no need for considerations like that

when we’re together

no parts of me are missing

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