Surveying the Wreckage
I used to feel so much
and let myself
overwhelm with emotion
and I would revel in what it feels like
just to be alive
because all that pain, my broken heart
meant it was still beating
and I was still here
despite all of life’s attempts otherwise
but then I stopped
too overcome with worry
that if I let myself feel, I would wallow
become trapped in that pit of despair
unable to emerge again
now I know not who I am
nor what to do with myself
maybe I just needed to ball it all up
shrink it down
and turn it around and around in my hands
examine the problem from every angle
and begin to pick
a needle here, a wriggle there
to understand where the cracks lie
figure out how it comes together
when it all falls apart
and begin to unfold it
so I can access the feelings trapped inside
lean into them
give them life
say them aloud
and write them for all to see
no longer trapped in the ball
behind a wall of denial
inside of me
if all I needed to do this whole time
was examine those emotions
let them out
not to dominate me
but simply so they could whisk away with the wind
and I could finally breathe
maybe I never would have lost my words
or myself
to this overwhelming need to shut down
and run away
maybe I would have found safety
in simply standing in place
standing my ground
as the storm swirled on around me
riding out the storm instead of running
and hiding away from the world
but what’s done is done
and all that is left to do now
is rebuild
and try to remember my safety plan
for future storms