Lyrical Musings an emotional journey via train of thought

sometimes i like to speak in code
shout to the world everything
i have bottled up inside
but no one will know
sometimes I just need to
shout and vent and rave and rant
and get these god damned thoughts
out of the swirling vortex that has
become my mind
sometimes there is no one who
will benefit from harsh words
or choked back sobs
but I need to set them free anyway
so I speak in code
not because I am confused
but because I am experiencing such clarity
that would be hard for most
to even imagine
sometimes i have to open my mouth
because if I don’t use my voice outside of myself
my inner dialogue will drive me mad
sometimes I need to speak with you
but I cannot reach you directly
so I send my message out into the universe
hoping and praying that you will get it
knowing that you will understand that
sometimes I speak in code

it is difficult to say
when things went wrong
or maybe they just were
never completely right
all along.
it is difficult to say
to myself that this is not the end
of me even if I am wrong
even if it is the end of us.
it is difficult to say
“No”
when all I want it to say
“Yes”
to you,
to your love
and your loving touch.
it is difficult to say
“Let’s not make this confused”
when I would gladly
take that confusion for
just a little bit of you.
it is difficult to say
“I’m sorry” and
“I was wrong” and
“I know better now” and
mean it enough
to convince you
of my sincerity.
it is difficult to say
“Now is the time for change”
when I have been so comfortable
finding comfort even in the negative
without worrying whether or not
i will lose myself in all this.
it is difficult to effect change
in these unsure times.
it is difficult for you to say
either way
to make that life altering decision.
but it is not difficult to know
this is what I have to do
and what I will do
if you allow me to.

unplug the clock
because it must be wrong
there are too many words
needing to be said
but not enough time
and the minutes fly by
turning into hours
and all i’ve managed to say
are all the wrong things
wasted time
but the seconds tick by
s l o w l y
when you are not here
and all i can do is think
and thinkthinkthink
about what if
and all the wrong turns
we’ve taken
and i am all alone inside my head
i have no control
over any of these forces
or my own thoughts
there’s so many so clear now
and i wish i could tell you
with this clarity
but i see you and it puddles away
unreachable in some far corner
in the back of my mind
and i can feel it there
and it only makes me angrier
because I know I am wrong
but I can’t stop it
just like I can’t stop you now
and I can’t stop the clock
from lying to me
maybe it’s not us
maybe time is the problem
maybe the clock is the enemy