Lyrical Musings

You know how I feel
this ain’t no break it deal
but a make it deal
you say it’s too late to feel
anything else

I know it’s not easy
I know that I’m to blame
what I’m asking for
is a lot of hard work
and we may never be the same
Still

What I’ve said to you
is nothing but true
we can make it through
why not give it a shot
if there’s nothing left to lose?

I know it’s not easy
I know that I’m to blame
what I’m asking for
is a lot of hard work
and we may never be the same
Still

When it comes to love
why are we giving up
when you’d called me the one
how could we ever be done
so easily?

I know it’s not easy
I know that I’m to blame
what I’m asking for
is a lot of hard work
and we may never be the same
Still

the clock’s ticking down
while you’re not around
I can’t pretend
that I even understand

I know you don’t know how
or even where to begin
what I’m asking for
is a long road ahead
but worth it in the end

sometimes i like to speak in code
shout to the world everything
i have bottled up inside
but no one will know
sometimes I just need to
shout and vent and rave and rant
and get these god damned thoughts
out of the swirling vortex that has
become my mind
sometimes there is no one who
will benefit from harsh words
or choked back sobs
but I need to set them free anyway
so I speak in code
not because I am confused
but because I am experiencing such clarity
that would be hard for most
to even imagine
sometimes i have to open my mouth
because if I don’t use my voice outside of myself
my inner dialogue will drive me mad
sometimes I need to speak with you
but I cannot reach you directly
so I send my message out into the universe
hoping and praying that you will get it
knowing that you will understand that
sometimes I speak in code

it is difficult to say
when things went wrong
or maybe they just were
never completely right
all along.
it is difficult to say
to myself that this is not the end
of me even if I am wrong
even if it is the end of us.
it is difficult to say
“No”
when all I want it to say
“Yes”
to you,
to your love
and your loving touch.
it is difficult to say
“Let’s not make this confused”
when I would gladly
take that confusion for
just a little bit of you.
it is difficult to say
“I’m sorry” and
“I was wrong” and
“I know better now” and
mean it enough
to convince you
of my sincerity.
it is difficult to say
“Now is the time for change”
when I have been so comfortable
finding comfort even in the negative
without worrying whether or not
i will lose myself in all this.
it is difficult to effect change
in these unsure times.
it is difficult for you to say
either way
to make that life altering decision.
but it is not difficult to know
this is what I have to do
and what I will do
if you allow me to.

unplug the clock
because it must be wrong
there are too many words
needing to be said
but not enough time
and the minutes fly by
turning into hours
and all i’ve managed to say
are all the wrong things
wasted time
but the seconds tick by
s l o w l y
when you are not here
and all i can do is think
and thinkthinkthink
about what if
and all the wrong turns
we’ve taken
and i am all alone inside my head
i have no control
over any of these forces
or my own thoughts
there’s so many so clear now
and i wish i could tell you
with this clarity
but i see you and it puddles away
unreachable in some far corner
in the back of my mind
and i can feel it there
and it only makes me angrier
because I know I am wrong
but I can’t stop it
just like I can’t stop you now
and I can’t stop the clock
from lying to me
maybe it’s not us
maybe time is the problem
maybe the clock is the enemy

Who are these people
yelling and screaming
kicking and hurting
pushing eachother away?
with every word
another blow
to a deflated ego
another crack
in a broken heart
who are these people
insensitive fools
slinging thoughtless words?
where are we
in moments like these?
surely these people
fighting so hard
crying tears so hot
throats so hoarse
so ignorant to the truth
cannot possibly be
you and me?
don’t we know
that we are different
not like that in the least
we are full of love
compassion and
understanding for one another
we could never succumb
to such mindlessness
counterproductive activity
we are not that
ridiculous
tell me that
those people are
not us

weight
not the kind that suffocates
but the kind that reminds me
that you are here
and real
and still here
weight, so reassuring
and solid
it grounds me
(as much as anything ever has)
keeps my feet planted on the earth
you lean against me
ad i feel your weight
it assures me that I can breathe
I don’t need to hold my breath
anymore
your weight
gives me air

There is a local haiku contest going on and I’d like to participate. Entrants can send up to 4 haiku. Please review the haiku here and vote for your favourite!

Also, one more haiku for your enjoyment and consideration:

“All you need is love”
The Beatles sang years ago
Today it’s still true

to wake up next to you
your familiar weight pressing against me
reminding me of your presence
and, somehow, reassuring me of your love
is the best of all dreams

this is love
devoid of chocolates and roses
without the makings of a hallmark card
this is love
brutal
and angry
and passionate
full of inner turmoil
the likes of which ive never known
this is love
to which no logic can ever be applied
headstrong and emotional
this is love
the not-so-out-the-ordinary
everday and typical
this is love
twising and turning – a raging river torrent
sometimes against the current
this is love
real and strong
rarely unconditional
wholely untamed
and entirely consuming
this is love
that i do not control
the effects of which can be so staggering
yet this is love
that i cannot resist

for the first time, i felt inescapably human
no better though certainly far worse than everyone else
lost and confused as the world went on
spinning, out of control, all around me
i felt as though i had failed you
shirked my sacred responsibility
to be the one who supports you most
i felt as though i made you pretend it didn’t matter
but i knew that it hurt you still
and it didn’t matter if i knew how i felt
how i felt didn’t matter at all if you didn’t know
and you didn’t
i hadn’t said or done anything to show you
and all my actions said
completely the opposite of how i felt
and i apologize
you see, i was torn between what i thought i believe
and how i thought i should act
and there could be no greater pain than knowing you didn’t know
and worse still, the hurt it must have caused you
as if i would have noticed
i was all about me and this relationship had always revolved around me
though i preached “us” and “we”
i was still all about me
and for once i could see
i could open my eyes
and it was then i knew
there would be no worse possible fate
than to fail you
so I won’t